I’m not even kidding. Growth? Psht, yeah. Today feels like one big fat regression.
I started this year out bright eyed, with all of these hopes and dreams for great change and the amazing things I could accomplish, and today… pft. It feels like crap.
I’ve posted openly about my struggle with PMDD before. In fact, it’s one of the posts that has really gotten the most response to it, in personal emails. To this day, I still get emails about my struggle with PMDD. I want to respond to each of these emails with a big “It gets better! I promise you’ll be a happy peppy person someday!” But I can’t. Realistically, things DO get better when you find a system that works for you, BUT. And it’s a big but… there will be times where you can’t keep it in check.
Take this morning for example. I woke up. Nothing woke me up, nothing was there to cause a bad day from the start, nothing bad happened. I just… woke up. I looked at my son, I smiled, I talked to my mom, and then, all of a sudden, something happened. I went to the bathroom, I brushed the knots out of my hair, and I decided somewhere deep in my subconscious, that today was going to be a bad day. I almost burst into tears while brushing my hair. I wanted to throw the hairbrush. I didn’t, because I’m rational, and throwing things is within my boundaries of choices- and I choose not to go that far with my frustrations. I just… cried. I brushed my hair, and I let the tears stream down my face.
Then, I went, and I got my son. I dressed him in an outfit, mind you, a bit thin for the weather, but he was going to be indoors pretty much all day, aside from a short car trip. Mom asked when I got in “Hey, did you know today is supposed to be 29 degrees?” She didn’t ask because she thought I dressed him wrong, she didn’t ask condescendingly, none of that. She simply asked because it had been 60 degrees for several days, and today there was a significant drop. I burst into tears, and screamed “YOU dress him if you think I’m doing such a terrible job!” I had a little meltdown. Actually, a big meltdown. I handed my son to her, I left the room crying, and I grabbed a new, warmer outfit, because, logically, it’s 29 degrees out and he doesn’t need to be in a short sleeved shirt.
I returned with the new outfit, put his clothing on, and halfway through putting it on, realized it said “Daddy’s MVP.” I usually avoid anything that says “Dad” on it, simply because Zach doesn’t have one. His dad isn’t in the picture. This outfit specifically was a hand-me-down. Typically, I sort through all of them, pick out the ones that aren’t going to work for us (specifically, anything that says dad), and either give them back to the person who gave them to me (most are pretty open-minded about the situation and will find someone else to give those outfits to), or I donate them if the original gifter doesn’t want them back. I must have missed this one- the writing was on the bottom of the feet, and a tiny tag on the chest. Well, seeing that made me burst into tears again. Mind you, this is three crying fits within half an hour of waking up.
I figured that out, got out the door without any more crying, and just… let things be. I even joked about my meltdown with my mom, and we were fine. Everything was fine. Then, I went to open a book I had purchased for my Kindle Fire. It didn’t work. I tried and tried and tried, and battled with it and Amazon support for most of the afternoon. And got madder, and madder, and madder. I wanted to scream.
The day hasn’t gotten much better. I’m still frustrated, I still want to burst into tears, hide my head under the covers, and scream into a pillow. But really, what good would that do? What good would yelling at my family or my son accomplish? It would only serve to put them in bad moods, too. Why do that? And when you have a child, especially one young like Zach, you can’t just go back to bed and forget the world. There are responsibilities. There’s someone that depends solely on you for support and love and emotional bonding.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s been a bad day. But the world can’t stop because I woke up crying. Life goes on. You have to make the most of the days you have. Meltdowns WILL happen. With PMDD, they’re going to happen sometimes. Avoiding them entirely is NOT an option. You will want to scream. You will want to cry. You will want to shave your head because why won’t these #$%^ing knots come out already?! There will be days when you don’t want to get out of bed, and days when all you want to do is go back to bed.
But you will get through today. You will go to bed, and wake up, and tomorrow will be okay. It will all work out. Smile. Push through it. And if you still don’t feel like it’s okay, talk to someone. And if there’s no one to talk to, talk to me.
Now, I’m going to go take an excedrin, and put on my big girl panties, and get some work done.