Purge

I have spent roughly 2 hours throwing things away.

I do this a lot, get started on throwing things out, get tired, stop, and within weeks, I’ve accumulated more crap and more clutter.

I feel like I need to make a change. I have this thing… this issue. Some people have a personality tic, and this personality tic is what makes people become hoarders. I keep it in check reasonably well, obviously. There aren’t piles of newspapers floor-to-ceiling, waiting to consume me alive. But there is junk. And sometimes, I like to think of the junk in my room, the junk that makes it hard to get around sometimes, as my spiritual junk, too.

Think about it. I have a cluttered conscience. I have things I’m still mad at myself for. I’m mad at the past- the person I was when I was with my ex-fiance… someone who lied and gave up the people and things she loved, for what? But still, those people were there to welcome me back. They’ve forgiven me… so why haven’t I? That junk is all still there. It eats at me. It’s why I stay up late eating noodles and chocolates and more chocolates and ice cream. It’s why I try to fill those holes with stuff. And that stuff, it says here, piling up around me.

I feel like the clutter in my mind is like the clutter in my room… and I think if I purge what’s surrounding me externally, maybe I’ll start purging all of that clutter internally, too, the stuff filling up my head, and I can release it.

I think that’s another reason that I chose the word Growth. Thing about it in a gardening context… you plant this little seed. You put it in dirt, and the seed just gets covered in muck and grime. You dump water on it. You fertilize it with crap (literally). You bury it. You pile more things on it. And, eventually, sunlight peeks in. It warms up that dirt. That water washes it, cleanses it. And, a little while after that, it pushes through that dirt, that grime, that crap. It starts to grow up from the junk that surrounds it, the dirt and the muck, and it pushes that aside, and grows up through it. It stretches away from it. It moves and grows and clears space around it. Those roots, they’re still there, in the muck and the grime and the grossness of it all… it’s still there, it still knows how that felt and what it was like. That past, it’s still part of the whole story. But then there’s this other piece. This free, open, beautiful piece that has grown out of all of this, grown up from it, sprouted through it, and freed itself. It can feel the air and sense the sunlight and consider all of the open space around it. That sunlight, that water, that allows it to live… that air, that feeds it, and that it feeds back into.

It’s growth. Growth is what brings us out of this muck. It pushes us through the fertilizer, through the soil, through the pain and the hurt and the lies and the struggle… and it brings us to something a lot bigger.

Yes, this season, it’s time to purge.

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