I think we should get things straight pretty much right off the bat.
I am a complete liar.
I keep telling myself and other people, yes, I’m handling this well. Yes, it’s hard to have my husband gone, but you know, time is flying quickly, he’ll be home soon, we’re getting through it fine, everything is okay.
Everything is okay.
The truth is, I cannot so much as listen to 80% of my music collection because I instantly burst into tears. I wake up to my dog snoring and sometimes turn to cuddle with him. I use his body wash to feel closer to him. Sometimes, I will wake up and I will feel that the bed is warm next to me, or I’ll smell him- that scent that is natural to him, apart from any body wash, body spray, etc. I’ll even feel or taste his kiss.
And then I have to convince myself I have gone insane.
I sat here watching different music videos I hadn’t watched in a long time. I stumbled upon two videos and just started sobbing. As in, hard enough for the dog to wake up and come over and sit next to me. Hard enough that I was shaking and had to throw up afterwards. That kind of sobbing.
So why on earth do I sit there and say “Yeah, I’m handling this okay. Yeah, things are fine. I’m fine. Everything is okay.” Clearly, it isn’t. Clearly I’m struggling. I guess the thing is, usually, I’m okay. Even when I think about him or feel him near me or even get that sick feeling in my gut like he’s having a bad day, even then, I can usually get through it, usually without even crying. But then every once in awhile, most often after I’ve just finished telling someone how I’m really getting through this pretty well, I end up feeling like a complete idiot, sitting here alone crying my eyes out until I get sick or fall asleep… I just wish I could say “You know what? I am having a little trouble with the deployment. I miss him, and it hurts, and I cry, and sometimes I kick and scream wanting him to be home now, and sometimes, I kick myself because I try to feel him next to me and for some reason, cannot bring his smell to my mind and other times I’ll be doing something harmless like driving and his smell hits me and it’s so sudden and unexpected I have to pull over…” Why can’t I say that? Why can’t I admit that I miss him so much it makes my heart ache? Why I can’t I tell people that yes, I can feel it in my gut when he is having an extra bad day, and usually the next time I hear from him, he confirms it… and why can’t I tell people that all I can think about is how much I miss him, how much I need him, and how much it hurts not to be around him?
Why can’t I sit there and tell people that yes, I do know what I was getting into when I married him, and yes, I did expect to be away from him, and yes, I did know beforehand that it sucks, but he’s worth it so I do it anyway. Why can’t I tell people that I’m sick of them complaining about missing someone who they saw 15 minutes ago, when I haven’t seen my husband in months? Oh right. Because people just can’t do that. And honestly, I don’t want my friends to feel like them missing their boyfriends is insignificant. But sometimes it hurts when someone says how much they miss someone who they saw about an hour ago, and then look at you and say “Oh… I totally forgot… I guess I don’t really understand how you feel. But, I guess you knew what you signed up for, right? You kind of asked to be away from yours…” It stabs me in the gut. Sometimes I just ache because of it. Those things resound in my head for days and I cry over them later…
But you know what? We still get through it. I wait for the phone call, the email, the text… whatever I can get… I wait to hear from him, for him to tell me how much he loves me, and that he’ll be home soon. And I stay strong for him. That’s what he needs right now. But wow… it sucks.